If They Only.....I Wouldn't Have To Scream

Today I totally lost it!  Yesterday I talked about the words of our mouth defiling us and then today when my children were lazy and had not done any chores and were lounging on the couch, eating in my living room, and acting like they had not a care in the world, I started SCREAMING!!!!!

First I screamed about their clothes all over the house.  Then I screamed about eating in the living room, the pillows on the floor and the costume Chloe is supposed to wear tomorrow in a ball on the floor.  I am certain I looked like a horrible monster.  My children have never moved so quickly in all of their lives.  I continued to lecture on our way to basketball practice about their entitlement issues and how paying them for doing chores is useless.  Doing chores is their way of thanking me for all of the things I do for them.  Chores are the minimum and should be done out of love and respect, not in order to receive payment.  After all of this screaming Chloe was crying so hard she could barely breathe and I felt, well, I felt terrible.

After basketball practice we get in the car and are almost home when I turn around in time to see Brett not buckled in his seatbelt.  I started freaking out!!  I screamed so loud I think the entire I-10 corridor from The Rim to Comfort heard me.  I have been known to slam on the brakes as hard as I can when I see him without his seatbelt to scare him.  It doesn't work, obviously.  Chloe immediately begins crying again.  I am shaking I am so enraged by the stupidity and laziness of my children.  I again feel, well, I feel, awful.  I have just completely lost my cool TWICE in a matter of an hour and a half.  Besides the fact that there is an obvious serge in my hormones, I should NOT, I repeat, I should NOT behave this way.  Tomorrow morning when I have had time to cool off, I will have to apologize to my children for losing my cool and for their stupidity and laziness, oooops, I mean, for my frustration.  I will ask for forgiveness and ask them how we can avoid mommy getting so frustrated.  I have an idea Brett will say something about wanting to go live with Grandma and Chloe has probably already sent her Aunt Melanie and Uncle Popo a text about moving in with them.

Anger is a nasty beast.  Sometimes I am better at controlling it and other times I cannot even begin to figure out how to contain it.  I must figure out a way.  My anger is hateful and judgmental and unforgiving.  If someone screamed at me the way I screamed at them, I would come apart at the seams.  My children do not deserve, no matter how lazy, messy, or disrespectful, to be spoken to hatefully.  UGH.  I hate the admit-my-flaws days on the blog.   They are the worst days of all and yet they are freeing.  They help me to see and hear about the horror and hopefully you will hold me accountable.  Maybe you have the same stuff going on with you and hearing me talk about it helps you to know you aren't alone.  Whatever it is, I hope to get over this terrible thing soon.  I don't want my children growing up thinking it is okay to scream at people when they disappoint you.  That would be awful.

I am thankful for a blog and friends who hold me accountable and help me make changes daily(Day 55).  Goodnight Friends.  I wonder if Chloe is going to remember me telling her "You are in charge of your own morale and you can decide how you want to feel" today OR is she going to remember how I came completely unglued?  Oh well, tomorrow is a new day.