Beware: Assembled By Amateurs

It started out as a normal day.  I attempted to sleep in and therefore got out of bed at 7:42am.  I made breakfast, screamed at the children for having messes throughout the house and secretly(except now it appears on the blog)imagined not buying ANY Christmas gifts for my over indulged children who do not put any of their things away.  I'm confident NONE of you have ever felt this way.  I even mentioned the idea to my husband who gave me a frown face and laughed, annoyed at the mere thought of such foolishness.  I got dressed and my mom and I hit the stores along with the 3 million people who live in San Antonio.

I drove thru a Starbucks and then un-drove thru due to too many people.  Later I arrived at a less busy Starbucks where a woman, whose face looked to be forty but her body looked like that of a prepubescent sixteen year old, was stretching her leg near the side of her head with, something along the lines of, volleyball shorts on.  I was a little jealous and a little confused.  She was moving around to keep her heart rate up while she ordered a Starbucks.  I'm certain you can't run and drink Starbucks at the same time.  Wait, do they offer IV drinks now?  I ordered a Mocha with whip.  Oh how delicious it was and oh how guilty I felt.  I rarely drink coffee and when I do, I order a non-fat mocha.  I'm getting coal for Christmas anyway, so it doesn't really matter how naughty I am.

While driving from place to place I was shocked at the number of smokers I encountered.  Young and old, they were lighting up as they arrived at their cars as if the stress of the crowded shopping was too much.  They lit up and inhaled extra long before blowing the smoke out.  I think I might've been staring.  Knowing the risks, I'm shocked ANYONE smokes.  Then again, knowing the risks of eating, I'm shocked anyway does that either!!  I think I've done a great job of surrounding myself with people who don't smoke and if they do, they don't smoke in my presence.  In my world, smoking had seemingly disappeared, until today.  One time, after I had graduated from college, I lit up a cigarette in my first and last attempt.  I wanted to see why my friends liked it so much.  Over-rated.

We purchased all the things we needed to purchase and made our way back to the house where the dreaded playhouse assembly stood waiting for my return.  Thadd and the kids had unloaded and separated over 1000 lbs of parts one by one.  I think their job was way worse than my shopping adventures.  We measured and hammered and measured and hammered and visited Home Depot and measured and hammered and measured and hammered some more.  There is now a floor frame.  We aren't idiots, but we also aren't builders.  I think I might post a warning to all who enter the playhouse:  Beware:  Assembled By Amateurs.  While this might not seem so terrible, under that I will attach the photo of Thadd and I from this year's Christmas card.  That should scare 'em!

The sun had started slipping out of the sky which means time to feed the farm animals and lock the chicken coop.  I walked to the chicken coop where I found a very fluffy, slow-moving chicken.  I grabbed her and flipped her over to do a quick examination.  I will spare you the details of the discharge and such.  She seemed weak and had slightly labored breathing.  With the chicken securely cradled in my arm I head to the computer to figure out her problem.  While I'm sitting at the computer she sleeps cradled in my arm like an infant, an egg plops out and cracks open spilling on the floor. She falls asleep again.   I continue surfing the web to find an answer I like and a yolk falls out of her egg laying end and splats inches from my foot.  She falls asleep again.  I don't find any good explanation for what is happening to her, but I do find suggestions to give her a saline bath.  I ponder the thought for about two seconds and decide she will probably feel much better now that she's plopped out all of the residual eggs stuck in her little egg bank.  I walk her back to the coop and do a quick headcount.  Everyone is accounted for so I start walking back to the house.

I hear rustling in the bushes and think it might be a mountain lion due to the size of the animal I hear in the brush.  The bush moves aside and a pony emerges from the brush.  I jump on his back instead of walking to the barn and give him a little kick.  He stops at the gate to the barn and I jump off and feed him his dinner.  As I'm turning off the barn lights Chloe yells down to me.  "MOM, DAD WANTS TO KNOW IF HE NEEDS TO GET THE AX?"  Puzzled I yell back, "WHAT??"  She repeats her question.  I yell back, "WHY?"  Without hesitation she screams, "FOR THE CHICKEN!!"  Unamused I yell, "YEAH!  TELL DAD HE CAN SLEEP WITH THE AX BY HIS BEDSIDE ON THE HAMMOCK TONIGHT TO WARD OFF PREDATORS!"

I walk back in the dark hoping the chicken feels better in the morning.  A sick chicken= a sad mommy. Now it is time for this mommy to wrap gifts.  Shopping was started and finished today.  I was hoping to see more of my friends out in the streets, but I imagine they got their shopping done sooner because they are WAY smarter than I am.  Maybe I won't wrap tonight.  Maybe I will go to sleep instead.  My mom came inside the house looking for her keys to run to Walgreens. We did a mad key search and found NO KEYS.  I wonder if we wrapped the keys.  Uh oh.  Ok, time to go unwrap some gifts.  Luckily she called me, from the guest house 50 steps away, to inform me that she found her keys.  They were sitting next to the ribbon she misplaced.


I am thankful for a husband who, even though he wanted the playhouse pre-assembled, is willing to assemble a playhouse(Day 28 or 29).  Goodnight Friends.  Two shopping days till Christmas.