What Did I Do Wrong?

This week has been filled with some very sad stories of loss.  On Saturday I read a message from a grade school friend of mine where she shared her deepest grief in the loss of her baby at eighteen(18) weeks gestation.  Today, another friend suffered the loss of her baby at ten (10) weeks gestation.  My heart aches for these two women and their husbands.  This is the first child for both of these young families and having suffered a similar loss early in my marriage I remember the hopelessness and grief I felt.  I have previously written about this loss, but today is going to be a little different.

I, too, experienced loss this week.  My loss was far less difficult than what these two families experienced, but it brought feelings to the surface that I had not felt in recent days.   I had two chicks cracking through their shells.  They were between four and eight hours from hatching.  I had a full day at work and so I moved the eggs from the incubator to the big purple baby chick box.  When I arrived at the end of the day, one was partially hatched and the other had not made any progress.  I helped the partially hatched baby make its way out of the egg and lifted the other egg to my ear to check for signs of life.  When I left in the morning it was actively poking at the egg shell and cheep, cheep, cheeping.  With the egg by my ear I lightly tapped the shell.  I didn't hear any sounds coming from inside.  The egg felt stiff.  I walked outside and ripped the egg open to find a dead baby chick.  Just this morning the chick was alive and trying to make its way out of the shell.  What happened?

Was it not warm enough?  Was it too warm?  Should I have come home to check on them when I had that urge in my gut?  What did I do wrong???  All of the questions go unanswered.  All of these questions will go unanswered for most woman who suffer a miscarriage.  You will never know why?  It is also likely the reason you miscarried had nothing to do with what you ate or drank.  There are women who are alcoholics, drug addicts and prostitutes all at the same time and they deliver babies.  Now, the problems her child suffers are likely due to her issues, but your loss is NOT your fault.  The sip of wine or the delicious cup of coffee didn't cause your body to spontaneously reject the pregnancy.

The hardest part of the loss for me was the not knowing.  I will never know why.  I will never know why either of my miscarriages occurred and I will never know why my little chick died when it was progressing nicely eight hours earlier.  I don't think I really understood faith like I did in the weeks following my miscarriage.   Parents who lose a child at any age due to an unsolved mystery often feel this sort of questioning.  They may never see or find an answer for their loss and at some point they need to give it over to God.  He is truly the only one who can make your heart feel less broken.  The heartache never completely goes away because we choose to keep the memory alive.  Keeping the memory alive is part of what makes us who we are.  Each and every one of us has a story to share and our experiences, good and bad, are what make us unique.  No one has ever lived the same life, not even twins have the exact same life experiences.

Having a unique story makes your story so valuable as a guide, lesson, or maybe even entertainment for people around you.  Sometimes your hardest moments make your story so valuable to someone else who is currently experiencing similar difficulties.  Likewise, your happy stories can add hope and happiness to those who might be hurting.  Life is meant to be shared.  Do not be afraid to share your experiences with the people around you.  You never know when your life experiences might be an encouragement to someone is your sphere.

As I close tonight's blog I offer no answer for your loss.  I offer God as a solution for your grief and I invite you to share your story.   Your story is valuable.  Share it.

This morning I awoke to a message from a dancer friend of mine who had this to share, "I lost a baby at seven months and three(3) years later had lovely healthy Isabella...God has your master plan and there is nothing we can do but have faith and carry on.  What is meant to be is meant to be.  I feel blessed for every experience, good or unfortunate, in my life.  Although, it's never easy losing something you love."  -KLU

There are so many stories to be shared.  Please post them if you feel comfortable doing so, as it can help the healing process for those woman around you who are suffering the same pain.  Again, thank you to all of my friends who feel comfortable enough to share their stories in this public forum.  Your faith encourages me, as well.